Poverty TRAPS people mentally and geographically, BREAKS their spirit, and EATS AWAY at their soul until there is only a RESENTFUL husk left for the non-impoverished to gauge their success by. IT IS AN EXHAUSTING way to live! I know, I live in poverty and have quite a few health issues and I am also that same hypocritical ASS who has adopted the pitiful mantra… be happy, there are many in worse situations that me, be happy for all the little things. I NEED A NEW MANTRA, the “little things” in my life are not enough!
I have stated in other posts that this little ole blog is my form of therapy. Why? Why am I limited to writing and posting my thoughts, doubts, and insecurities? POVERTY! The thing is… I have insurance. My insurance even covers psychologists. Why don’t I take advantage of that? Co-pays! Living in poverty doesn’t allow for ANOTHER co-pay in addition the the ones I already have seeing a specialist for my Multiple Sclerosis, doctors for my diabetes, in addition to regular doctor visits for other issues that arise. I have to travel 70 miles each way for my MS specialist and that adds gas and usually a meal too. So, do I have the money for a psychologist, that I would most likely need to see on a regular basis? HELL NO!
I do have a friend that in addition to his friendship occasionally does something for me that gives me a little reprieve. I also have a few others friends that do understand my situation and we kind of do for each other as we are able to. That my be a simple as buying a coffee or treating a meal, and these are the “little things” that have a positive impact. These friendships are “big things” to me!
So, what “things” am I referring to as “little”? Things like not going hungry, having a roof over my head. You know… things that people that HAVE hardly think of or consider. Why am I not happy about having food? Because I can’t think of a time in recent years that I didn’t have to put something back that was already on a short list of things to pick up because I didn’t have enough. I buy stuff that helps me feel full, not things that are good and healthy. Eating healthy is something that I would enjoy as well as benefit from. The roof over my head is a great thing. It is also a thing that requires setting the thermostat cooler in the winter and warmer in the summer than most houses. So, having the simplest of basics of food and shelter are “little thing” things because they are not enjoyed, they are measured, rationed, and at times, simply done without.
Joining someone while running errands is a sad form of entertainment. If I am running errands with someone, it is because I like spending time with them, not because I like running errands. It becomes a fun “little thing” until they begin to shop and I am restricted to just looking. To be with someone that strolls through the WalMart isles and they put what they want in the buggy, or say, “I just want to try this” and never keep a running total in their head what they are spending seeds a little resentment. It is a dream of mine to go shopping for things I want versus what I need. To shop without needing to use the calculator on my phone to keep track with each penny I’m spending. Yes, even if it is as simple as shopping at WalMart for groceries… not worrying about what I am spending would be dreamy!
Payday to payday has been a lifestyle for me and way too many Americans for way too long. I did have a period in my life that the payday was certainly more than now and I did enjoy little and big things. It was not as glamorous as I may romanticize in my memories, but I do have happy memories from that time that spark flints of quick fleeting happiness… then back to reality. But the reality that I am not the only one in this situation and that there are people in worse situations just doesn’t bring comfort, it is just something else I worry about. If I worry about my situation, how can I not worry or be concerned about those in worse situations?
I seldom have money for Powerball, but I do dream of winning big like that one day! When I do buy a ticket, I wait a few days before checking the numbers because I can’t dream of winning after checking my numbers because it is only a dream to win. Why do so many poor people spend money on lotto? Usually because it feels like the only way out of their situation. IF I did ever win, I would be broke in a few years because I just know I couldn’t enjoy that much money and not share it! Being the ASS I am (tomASS actually), I am not even such an ass to not share. I have had the link to contribute to my therapy blog with a promise that once the $150 a year cost was covered, 50% of any money from this blog would be donated to charity. I’ve not received the $150 in any year yet, so no donations have been made. Also, since it seems no one else benefits from my therapeutic rants, I lose the incentive to keep writing.
So, until I am feeling so overwhelmed and feel writing about it, I guess this will be it for a while! I do miss writing about happier “little things” and hope to return to that one day! But again I post a link for anyone to send me some encouragement! lol
Blogging is not free! Please help cover the costs!
Once the $150 a year cost is covered – 50% of EVERY donation will be given to a charity (the charity will not be ME)! 😀
financially to make it happen. This blog at one point was an idea that I felt could bring in a dollar or two. I have had a few people (3) hit the donate button, this blog has never been successful enough to even cover the annual costs! To ask someone that “knows” how I could monetize this blog – costs more money I don’t have. I planned to start doing a video-blog or a podcast until I found I would need some basic equipment that I also don’t have money for. So, I continue to blog as my therapy because I can’t afford the co-pays to see a real therapist!
periods because I feel so trapped in my childhood bedroom at my Mom’s house. Yes, I am 51 year old and living at my Mom’s basically because I can’t afford any other option. I also use my car because I don’t want to make my drama/problems other people’s problems. So why don’t I just get a job? I also have Multiple Sclerosis, Diabetes, and now severe depression. I have “come out” as gay. I have “come out” as disabled. I have even “come out” as POOR. All things in my life I seem to not be able to control. I also feel as I tread water, barely keeping my head above water, life keeps throwing rocks at me.
sure I am included and a part of their lives. One friend even offers an “open-date” plane ticket to come visit, but I still haven’t accepted because I would need some money once I get there. Other friends just get me out for a dinner or movie. I sometimes feel the friendship with the “plane ticket friend” is often strained because I am not sure he truly realizes the severity of my situation. But bless him for trying, he is a TRUE friend (but I don’t think he even knows I blog lol). On the other hand, a friend (long-time friend) accused me of lying about my family’s experiences with house fires because I had not “told her about it before”! Then she accused me of “using” her as just a place to stay (of course after I would have to drive 7 hours to get to where she lived and she had only made the drive to my place once – on her way somewhere else). One friend I flew to see several times to visit in Tampa and D.C. but didn’t even let me know he was visiting family an hour from me became too busy to talk or call back or to care about me. It’s understandable that not everyone will like me, including friends and family… even 2 year olds … it none-the-less hurts to be told… change so we will like you! So for some friends (and some family) it just needs to be – good riddance. 
that sometimes a drowning victim may try to also to pull them under. Someone people drowning are unpredictable and at times dangerous. I feel my (remaining) friends are like lifeguards and I am scared what I 
may do as they offer help. As I bob in the water, I know they have their eyes on me even when I can’t see them. So, I keep my distance and sometimes just have to say… later, you don’t want to (can’t) deal with me right now. I am afraid of what I may do in my desperation that will only make things worse. I feel I am giving up on looking for a boat or shoreline because all my energy is spent keeping my nose above water. One day my Prince Charming (young, rich lifeguard) will rescue me and/or I will win the Powerball, and/or I will be cure of Multiple Sclerosis, Diabetes, and Depression – I hope! 
Mike Huckabee keeps making their efforts more and more futile. To be honest, there are MANY that drive a wedge between me and Christianity but few have been more successful at widening that gap than that oblivious ass. Huckabee has accomplished something else I thought impossible… he has made me want to defend Jim Carrey. I never hated Jim Carrey, I just felt him to be such an exaggeration. Now I want to even defend his “art” that I had not been aware of until recently.
I did not know Jim Carrey was also a painter until this painting of Sarah Hucabee-Sanders. When I saw it, all I 
could do was laugh. Then I realized I have some respect for Jim Carrey’s art! He painted Sarah Huckabee-Sanders… just as I see her! He also made a very valid point about the hypocrisy of what she does as a living – LIE! What further bothers me about her, her father, and their brand of Christianity is that they can point at others and JUDGE, say how they feel others should live, but screw anyone that holds a mirror up to their lives. What Mrs. Huckabee-Sanders doesn’t realize is that I feel she sold her soul to blatantly lie for such a horrible person. Evangelicals that support Trump have no principle, no basis to tell others how to live. They voted for a man with 5 kids by 3 different wives and we have already learned of a porn actress and Playboy Playmate that he also had affairs with. They can support that view of marriage and family, but fight to deny gay people (me) the right to have marriage equality? They CAN’T even speak out against his “family values” or actually the lack of ANY values! That’s hypocritical and I have all right right to call them out on it.
Now, when Jim Carrey’s painting of Mrs. Huckabee-Sanders appeared on Twitter, her father was understandably upset. But what I don’t understand is HOW he reacted. His Tweet 
was defending Christianity more than his own daughter. He strung together words he feels are offensive but in no way apply. Being critical of and highlighting his daughters hypocrisy is not being a bully, sexist, or bigoted. Calling someone a “Christahope” only reveals him to be a “snowflake” that his is! It also shows that only HE is allowed to be outraged by others, because Jim Carrey, many others and me are not allowed to outraged by her “Christian example”? He certainly feels we can’t be creative about it! lol It’s art and therapeutic I am sure just as my writing (ranting) is some kind of art! How can he consider and call out gays for being immoral but not see the immorality of a professional liar?
donate to anti-gay organizations. He even felt he needed to call for a Chick-Fil-A Appreciation Day to “support” Chick-Fil-A because some people said they would boycott Chick-Fil-A. (lol) I have to laugh because of how defensive he got because another group had been offended by HIS ideology! (I have posted below a link to an article that includes his complete rant to “defend” Chic-Fil-A.) I love how below his name he features the statement “Life, Liberty, Pursuit of Happiness”… as long as it is HIS VIEW of Life, HIS VIEW of Liberty, and HIS VIEW of Happiness but worst of all… HIS VIEW of Jesus, HIS VIEW of Christianity. He doesn’t even get the hypocrisy of of saying that WHILE he is calling for support of “his team” because the “other team” (gays) wanted equality in life, equality in liberty and equality of pursuing THEIR happiness! Chick-Fil-A leave a bad taste in my “Christaphobic” mouth! 
My final point that I wish Mr. Huckabee would “get”: Mr. Carrey has just as much right to express his dissatisfaction with YOUR brand Christianity and what your daughter is doing, as you had the right to express your dissatisfaction that many were offended by what was plain and simple hate speech about gays that you supported! Here is the math so you understand Mr. Huckabee: Seeing hypocrisy + calling your daughter out for it = you once again thinking that what you feel, want and believe should be forced on EVERYONE. It is something you just can’t understand even about outrage – EQUALITY!
that it’s not just me… but WOW am I sad it’s not just me! I have taken about a 2 year break from writing and the world (in my view) is falling apart, is it my fault? lol Did my break from writing cause all of this: the rise of Trump, the … OMG, wait, is all of the things I see wrong in the world related to Trump? Simply put – YES! He has been a flashlight to some dark parts of society I had only seen in shadows. I will try writing more later about that list of obscure issues I feel Trump has highlighted… but this writing will be about how I need to write. I will try to follow Anne Frank’s advice.
something I can do to feel better about it – WRITE! While I struggle with all that affects how I see people and question their ideologies, I have to do something for ME!
and editing is better than that of the President of the United States. So, I have found one positive Trump has had with me… I feel less pressure to be accurate! lol I can just shoot my thoughts out unfiltered and fuck the consequences!
different forms of treatment that have included daily injections, one week IV infusions and most recently a twice daily pill. Simply take 1 in the morning and 1 at night. Simple, right? Well… money and my hatred of pharmaceutical companies and insurance companies have combined to even complicate taking medication daily. The medicine I am talking about is Tecfidera. The insurance company is Humana. If you had asked me a few months ago, I would have sang their praises.
me!” I said I would agree and start taking it if my insurance paid for it. Behind the scenes, Humana Specialty Pharmacy worked something out and I was able to start taking the medicine. Now keep in mind, this is only one of MANY meds I take to help treat my MS and symptoms. Each month I would get a call to remind me to refill the prescription and it would be sent to me. The call ended with a “and your co-pay will be $0”. This went on for months.
tax payer, the consumer and ME! With swindlers like pharmaceutical CEO Martin Shkreli raising the price of a HIV drug 5,000% and Heather Bresch raising life saving EpiPen more than 470% being rewarded with more and more money… I say NO MORE! I see pretty much ALL pharmaceutical companies and health insurance companies as nefarious, greedy, and futile (futile to all but their stockholders)!
the most extremes of evil I have had to choose from. I like President Obama but grew frustrated with the stalemate between the executive and legislative branches of government. With either candidate… America will have even more of that. If Hillary wins without Democrats also winning control of the legislative branch NOTHING will change. I will also bet there will be paralyzing scandals. Donald has so little support from his own Republican party that if he wins… stalemate becomes standstill and then standstill will become a stagnate pool of festering malice!
by nature, I don’t trust her. I expect her term(s) to be scandal filled, lest we forget history! Her political ambitions make her seem to follow polls instead of having real leadership abilities. Where was she during the gay marriage debate? She was waiting for the poll numbers to show a 51% support before she could also support it. Her husband’s administration brought America DOMA (Defence Of Marriage Act – ruled unconstitutional by the US Supreme Court June 2015) AND Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell (repealed in 2010) and his impeachment (without removal from office). Where as Donald Trump has NO qualifications to be president. Running a supposedly successful business is not a qualification to be president nor is being a reality tv star. If his business IS so successful, why won’t he release his taxes? Again, he can’t be trusted. He campaign slogan, “Make America Great Again” is offensive. America IS great and someone that thinks it is not should not be running for president.
trust, that I felt had true intentions to do good for Americans – Bernie Sanders. I resent Hillary and see her as power-hungry. She has a net worth over $80,000,000. Along side Bill’s $120,000,000 makes them worth $200,000,000. Politicians can’t be worth that and not OWE someone favors or relate to the everyday struggles of most Americans. Donald Trump’s wealth is disputed as to what he claims, what journalists report and what his supporters believe. Bernie Sander’s had a net worth of $500,000 after more than 25 years in politics, a lot by my standards but still not enough to have corrupt influences.
Income inequality is the greatest threat to our democracy and Bernie is the only candidate that campaigned on that issue. Now he is out, even for Hillary it is no longer addressed as a major issue. How can Donald Trump even pretend to understand an average American’s life and struggles? The photo on the right is when he and Pence were interviewed on 60 Minutes. Who the hell has such tacky, gaudy furniture? Oh… I see! lol What I see in the photos is also what scares me… Donald Trump has the same temperament to be president as Gadhafi and Hussein. The US democracy is like Citizens United, money = voice. So those without money are not heard and understandably lose interest in a representative government that no longer represents them.
Until Americans stop voting for president like they would a popularity contest, we will continue to be stuck with candidates that can and will say this, “I love the poorly educated.” Yes Trump not only said that out loud, he said it as part of his victory speech in Nevada, February 24, 2016. So thanks to an uninformed populace, we have a choice between unqualified, Mean Girl Donald Trump and MS I will not be able to get anything done Clinton.
My fear of Trump is not only him, but his supporters. How can they not see his vitriol? Watch the video link below of him mocking a disabled journalist… they laugh! Trump says he is a great negotiator… is this the man you want representing the US in negotiations?
Thomas Johnston 