Monthly Archives: April 2010

There Is Something Precious in All of Us!!!

Precious Movie Poster

It is just my opinion…. but I think there a lot of people who carry a deep dark secret from childhood that left a scar that remains sensitive even in adulthood.  Watching the movie Precious, I was reminded of my own scar.  My scar is much smaller than the character Precious’ would be… but none the less a scar.  The feeling of being powerless to change the situation, the guilt carried, the shame felt, the emotional pain; all affect us as children and even as adults haunts us.

My childhood trauma was not known by my family until I was nearly and adult.  I had a very loving and supportive family but carried my open wound unnoticed until the point it infected me.  I cannot imagine what it is like for someone without a family support system like I had. Even with this great and loving support system…. I never told my family until I was suicidal.  I know personally what it feels like to hold a bottle of pills and also a gun with the intention of ending the suffering.  I gave up treading water to keep my head from sinking below the waterline, I tasted the water in my nose as I gasped to prepare to submerge and never breath again.  But, my family reached beneath and pulled me to safety.

In childhood and early adolescence, I became a comedian.  The more I made others laugh, the more I laughed, the more I laughed, the more I felt separated from my ghost.  But even my impressions of Steve Martin doing his “Wild & Crazy Guy” routine grew to be less of a fix and became merely a band-aid.  I am still a comedian in uncomfortable situations, or I try to be anyway.  But to have friends that I do not have to entertain to hide my discomfort is very rare.  Many ask why I cannot get over my ex…. it is simply…. I felt safe and did not have to entertain to be loved.  True I gave more love than was returned, but I felt something secure for myself… even if it was not mutual.  That ex really does not even know the comfort I felt with him and why I miss that so much.

Now I have my purgatory.  I wonder through life convincing myself I am happy, but knowing there is more to come.   I was telling a friend that these issues we have in our lives are like shoes.  Some people have beautiful shoes that are also comfortable.  Some of us have shoes that people ask, “Why don’t you throw those things away?”  But we love our shoes and we know we will get blisters when we wear them, but we just can’t throw them away.  Some are lucky enough to “break in” those shoes and some of us just keep on getting our blisters showing our developmental impairments.

For those lucky enough to have missed out on childhood scaring and are wearing your comfortable shoes…. PLEASE watch where you step… please do not step on the toes of those that try so hard to make the shoes they were given work for them.  My shoes hurt me… but when people look, all they see are some flashy, sharp, well made shoes.  Little do they know how it feels inside those shoes.  I remember Depeche Mode’s “Walking in My Shoes” as a song I find comfort listening to and knowing that there are MANY others with uncomfortable shoes walking through life also.  This movie reminded me of my pain, but also that there are many that were not as blessed as I was with such a great loving family.  I wish it could be as simple as suggesting buying the world new shoes…. but that while not rehabilitate out soles (souls).

We all have one pair of “Precious” feet… Let us try not to step on each others toes! A smile, a pat on the back, a coffee, and phone call, or a simple hug helps more than most know!

Categories: Life | Tags: , , , , , | 1 Comment

Up in the Air and a Few Miles Short! (Seeing My Life In Movies)

Recently I watched the movie “Up in the Air”…. ok actually, I just watched it!  Clooney’s character is striving for the recognition of American Airlines by achieving 10,000,000 air miles.  I understand his quest like few can.  I am a former Marriott Rewards Platinum Elite member.  I know the thrill I had opening the letter from Marriott and seeing that card.  I was always looking at the Sony LCD flat screen tv that could be purchased using the points – but I was always a few points short.  Forget the fact I worked for Sony!  I wanted the miles to buy me something because I felt so alone and had no one to buy me things I wanted.  Actually, there are few people who even knew what I wanted.

In the movie Ryan Bingham (George Clooney’s character) flies around the U.S. firing people.  Ryan is a likeable guy, but he does not seem missed when he is gone and the few that do miss him begin to accept their place in his life – at a distance.  His ambition to meet what most see as a shallow goal is what brings him comfort in the absence of real connections with people.  It is easier for him live “up in the air” and away from actual connections with people who may get close.  The acknowledgement of American Airlines is more important than appreciation of other people.  I so relate!  Except I always connected with Delta.

Most people booked their air travel with Orbiz, Epedia, or even to get a deal on flights.  I actually went directly to and searched and searched to find the flight that would meet Sony’s travel & expense guidelines so I could get my SkyMiles.  Many co-workers booked through the company travel group and just took whatever flight they gave them – but I worked at finding a Delta flight.  I then asked the travel group to purchase the ticket for me.  I had flight numbers and times ready along with information showing Delta had a lower price than the Sony “prefered” airlines.  Such dedication for loyalty.  As I looked at the Sony tv in the SkyMiles catalog …. I found I was always a few miles short.

Mr. Bingham had a crap job, but he liked it.  There are few that would have enjoyed my job like I did.  Do you remember Del Griffith, John Candy’s character in the movie “Planes, Trains and Automobiles”?  The guy sold shower curtain rings and traveled constantly… but he LOVED his job and his customers loved him.  His job was a thankless job like mine.  No matter how good a job a did…. no one noticed other than my customers.  I had a a bitch of a boss that did not like me and NO ONE liked her but she has now even been promoted.  Why can’t a company as great as Sony see what useless crap she is!  I helped the company, my customers loved me, but I was held back because she was simply a bitch.  But despite all the reasons for me NOT to like my job I loved it and was good at it.  But when it came to the big money…. I was a few dollars short.

As I mentioned, with Marriott I had achieved the highest honor for Marriott Reward members – Platinum status.  It took staying 75 nights to reach this level of achievement.  I will say that I was staying at the Courtyard by Marriott… not actual J.W. Marriott or Marriott hotels.  Courtyard was great and designed for the business traveler – which I was.  I stayed most often at the downtown Courtyard in Salt Lake City.  The guys and girls at the front counter got to know me quick.  As a Platinum member I would get upgraded to a suite if one was available and often one was available.  A big suite for a lonely traveler filled the void that was missing because of no personal connections.  I received welcome gifts of cookies and bottled water; and yes that little shit meant a lot to me – for some reason!  As I would look in the Marriott Rewards catalog …. I also found I was a few points short.

My Multiple Sclerosis has grounded me from earning my SkyMiles and I stay few nights at a Marriott brand hotel.  But no one has noticed.  I go from being a 5 year Platinum Elite Marriott Rewards member to nothing and no card, letter of gift bag asking where did our loyal customer go?  I book my flights now on because I know my one or two trips a year will not add up to my seeing status with Delta again.  I still sometimes look longingly at the upgrade board to see if my name may be there – now it never makes the list.   But as with MANY things in my life….I have come up a little short, but I still like my shallow, self-indulgent and even sometimes lonely life.  I am an island…a small crappy one… but the views are great!  To be the big island everyone wants to visit…. my beach comes up a little bit short!

I actually felt I missed my friends when I was traveling and looked forward to seeing them when I returned home.  Now my trip is more permanent, I see I am “out of sight and out of mind”.  I hate that my Multiple Sclerosis robbed me of the life that made me comfortable.  Having lost my status makes me feel lost sometimes!  I still look for and desire that status I once had that no one noticed or cared about but me.  I now also belong to Jet Blue TrueBlue as well as remaining a SkyMiles and Marriott Reward member… but have no status with any of them.  Life for me is like working for Sony but wanting that Sony tv in the catalog …. I am always a few miles short!!  I look sometimes in the mirror and still see my inner Ryan Bingham, but I see I have no status anymore… I NEED to be UP IN THE AIR!!!

Categories: Life, Travel | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

I Am A Mexican At Wal-Mart!

When I was living in McComb, Mississippi, it was more and more common to see a group of Latinos at Wal-Mart…. I am not sure they were Mexican or not… but for this story we will pretend they were.  They would move in a pack doing their shopping.  Occasionally one would break from the heard.  I would almost see fear in his eyes until he returned to the group.  When together they would laugh and enjoy their time at Wal-Mart, just like us local Rednecks!  Wal-Mart can sometimes be social and entertaining for anyone – a way to pass some time.  For many they may not understand the simple joy of killing some time at Wal-Mart and maybe even seeing friends to catch up with.  But for some, spending time in Wal-Mart is fun and entertaining. I see these Mexicans finding this simple way to enjoy some time.  They keep to themselves, speaking Spanish, and usually they are having a great time.

I remember at time when I would walk through Wal-Mart looking for things I did not need.  Now in Bogotá, I find that simple pleasure for myself again.  Here instead of Wal-Mart, it is called Exito. Sometimes I am alone in Exito and have a fear in my eyes expressing please do not talk to me! But I spend time looking, reading Spanish packages translating to myself, and sometimes laughing at the similarities between cultures…. I found myself thinking – I am like one of those Mexicans in Wal-Mart back in McComb. There are people who say they should go back where they came from and I see that look sometimes myself.  Sometimes I get a look from someone who says…. I remember exploring Exito and enjoying it.  I see a look of I hope this guy is enjoying Bogotá.

But now, I hope that next time I see Mexicans in Wal-Mart I will give a look of welcome with a smile and maybe even say in Spanish – hello (hola) because I know how that kind of small gesture can improve my day.  I am in Colombia looking for a better life and I hope anyone that seeks to improve their life receives support from the new location whether it is just a new city, new state or even a new country!  I hope they can find a better life also!  As Immagration Reform becomes a topic in the U.S., I hope people will think that immigration is a good thing.  People make changes like moving to a new country to have netter lives.  Like my wish with healthcare…. I hope people learn how blessed some are and we can SHARE!  We can share healthcare and our country.  Try to remember a simpler time in your life and try recreating it… enjoy it again.  Everyone deserves to be happy – even Mexicans in an American Wal-Mart!

Categories: Bogota, Colombia, Life | Tags: , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

A Day at Cerro de Monserrate

I have lived in Bogotá for more than 3 months and visited a total of 4 months before moving here.  So, after more than 7 months in Bogotá, I finally felt good enough to go visit one of the top tourist attractions in Bogotá – Cerro de Monserrate.  Cerro de Monserrate translates as Monserate Hill.  Now where I am from, Monserrate is much more than a hill (lol) it is a mountain.  Monserrate is part of the Eastern mountain ranges of The Andes.  So I would have named it Montaña de Monserrate (Monserrate Mountain), but they did not ask me!

My friend Ricardo was visiting from Cali, Colombia and since I had someone who could help my old, disabled ass… I was finally able to visit!  There are 3 ways to get to the top: 1, Pilgrimage – walk up the mountain (not going to happen!!); 2, Funicular – Train up tracks on the mountain (not running this day) and 3, Cable Railway – A sky-ride on cables to the top (fastest and easiest).     So off on the cable railway we go.  As the cable car ascends… the enormity of the city of Bogotá starts to become obvious.  The top of Monserrate is at an elevation of over 10,000 feet (3152 meters), that is almost 2 miles above sea level. The city of Bogotá is at 8,600 could be called the 1.5 mile high city!!  The views are AWESOME! (

Atop the mountain is a sanctuary, a monastery, the remains of a previous sanctuary, restaurants and flea market style shopping for souvenirs.  There is park like landscaping with flowers that bloom constantly because of the relatively constant spring like temperatures.  Along with the beautifully landscaped trail are viacrucis (sculptures) that commemorates the events of Christ’s walk to the crucifixion.  For me, the beauty speaks more of God than all the religious “stuff”…but it is a location with a history of people making religious pilgrimages.  I was able to experience a clean, freeing energy here and will plan a return just to spend time relaxing and enjoying the views and positive energy.

Categories: Colombia, Travel | Tags: , , , , , | 1 Comment

What Is The Best Thing To Do?

This, I would like comments, feedback and interaction!!  lol

Ok, sometimes we make plans, but something comes up.  The best thing to do is to call, text, e-mail or something to let the person know that the plans have changed – right?  Now let’s pretend that does not happen, plans were made then the next day you remember, “Oh, shit!  I had made plans with XXX and I went to my mother’s house instead. I feel asleep. I broke my neck falling in the shower”  Excuses are shared: I did not have my cell, I was out of minutes for my phone (common here in Colombia – there are no unlimited plans here lol), My dog ate my computer….. whatever excuses are shared with an apology.  What next?


A friend makes plans with you, you get ready, you wait….. and wait…. and wait…. then you realize this is not going to happen.  So you start killing time waiting.  Chatting online not wanting to write on your blog because, “he is late” and if I start writing I will have to stop; you don’t clean your room because you have already gotten dressed, you do not make plans with another friend because this is the first time you are meeting this person and they show up late and now you have other plans.  Then too much time goes by and it is too late to make plans with anyone else.  So you are bored all night and get nothing productive done.  The next morning you sign on to “chat” and there he is and he apologizes.  What next?

I have tried to explain both sides of this situation.  What next?  I have apologized what more I can do or is expected (vs) I do not want forgive and forget; I do not want be a punk-ass bitch that is disregarded so easily.

I also have not said which is my side of the story (but people who know me knows where I fit in this story!!! lol) and ask…. WHAT NEXT?  This was someone who lives close and just by proximity has the opportunity to develop into a really good friendship and I want them to forgive me (vs) this person is a shit and I do not need people like this in my life!

This was a first impression …. what next?  I made a mistake with this person (vs) I made a mistake about this person.

I am asking for interaction here…. chose a side or make suggestions for each side of the situation…. I want to know what you think!!!  Please comment!!

Categories: Life | Tags: , , , , | 1 Comment

No More Post Updating My Life With MS

I will no longer be posting accounts about my life with Multiple Sclerosis.  Cigna is trying to use this information against me as another way to deny me the benefits I paid for and they refuse to honor.  Since my next step will be to sue them, I will not post information for them to create more injustice with.  This is another example of how Cigna is ruining my life by NOT simply doing what they are supposed to do and preventing me from even enjoying a blog to share with friends and family about my health.  Look for a long detailed post as to how Cigna has done me wrong and continues to do so!  The U.S. does not need healthcare reform… what is needed is insurance company reform.

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