It is just my opinion…. but I think there a lot of people who carry a deep dark secret from childhood that left a scar that remains sensitive even in adulthood. Watching the movie Precious, I was reminded of my own scar. My scar is much smaller than the character Precious’ would be… but none the less a scar. The feeling of being powerless to change the situation, the guilt carried, the shame felt, the emotional pain; all affect us as children and even as adults haunts us.
My childhood trauma was not known by my family until I was nearly and adult. I had a very loving and supportive family but carried my open wound unnoticed until the point it infected me. I cannot imagine what it is like for someone without a family support system like I had. Even with this great and loving support system…. I never told my family until I was suicidal. I know personally what it feels like to hold a bottle of pills and also a gun with the intention of ending the suffering. I gave up treading water to keep my head from sinking below the waterline, I tasted the water in my nose as I gasped to prepare to submerge and never breath again. But, my family reached beneath and pulled me to safety.
In childhood and early adolescence, I became a comedian. The more I made others laugh, the more I laughed, the more I laughed, the more I felt separated from my ghost. But even my impressions of Steve Martin doing his “Wild & Crazy Guy” routine grew to be less of a fix and became merely a band-aid. I am still a comedian in uncomfortable situations, or I try to be anyway. But to have friends that I do not have to entertain to hide my discomfort is very rare. Many ask why I cannot get over my ex…. it is simply…. I felt safe and did not have to entertain to be loved. True I gave more love than was returned, but I felt something secure for myself… even if it was not mutual. That ex really does not even know the comfort I felt with him and why I miss that so much.
Now I have my purgatory. I wonder through life convincing myself I am happy, but knowing there is more to come. I was telling a friend that these issues we have in our lives are like shoes. Some people have beautiful shoes that are also comfortable. Some of us have shoes that people ask, “Why don’t you throw those things away?” But we love our shoes and we know we will get blisters when we wear them, but we just can’t throw them away. Some are lucky enough to “break in” those shoes and some of us just keep on getting our blisters showing our developmental impairments.
For those lucky enough to have missed out on childhood scaring and are wearing your comfortable shoes…. PLEASE watch where you step… please do not step on the toes of those that try so hard to make the shoes they were given work for them. My shoes hurt me… but when people look, all they see are some flashy, sharp, well made shoes. Little do they know how it feels inside those shoes. I remember Depeche Mode’s “Walking in My Shoes” as a song I find comfort listening to and knowing that there are MANY others with uncomfortable shoes walking through life also. This movie reminded me of my pain, but also that there are many that were not as blessed as I was with such a great loving family. I wish it could be as simple as suggesting buying the world new shoes…. but that while not rehabilitate out soles (souls).
We all have one pair of “Precious” feet… Let us try not to step on each others toes! A smile, a pat on the back, a coffee, and phone call, or a simple hug helps more than most know!