One thing about me is I know I am crazy or simply insane and embracing this helps me cope. lol But a few years ago I met someone and fell in love. We had great times together. What he and I had is what I wanted the rest of my life. I still say is instead of was because I still have moments that I feel it is possible. I still have dreams this love is or could be returned to me and be real as I imagine. I know this person deep in his heart loves me the same but is just scared. We still have occasional interactions via the internet and as much fun as it is to visit and catch up…. I am left with the feeling of wanting to shake him because it is like a game to him – he has me as a loving a devoted friend and I have the emptiness of knowing I am incomplete without him. This person has friends but keeps me in his life (but at a distance) because he knows he will have no better friend than me, but I still need more than just the friendship… I need his love. I do not know why he cannot even give it a try? I do not know why I still want to try? But as life moves on, I am remaining standing still – hoping and having faith he will one day know I am the one he should be with!
Being crazy also helps me cope because I know all the things about moving on, restarting my life, having new love: but I chose to have faith in him. This person does love me, I have no question, but it is still an incomplete love. This love is evident because he continues to survive the drama I am for his life. He does not stand still, but seems to move only in a circle to end up back in the same situations and his life does not break the pattern but he continues to move. I believe in this person more than anyone one outside my family. I know what is good about him. People like him, but I do not know that anyone has ever seen him for all he is and can be. Some people really do not like him and I think that comes from them sympathizing with my pain. They do not like him because they only see that he continues to reject the kind of gift that is so rare in life. Or maybe they just do not like him because he is a shithead!! lol But shithead or not… I love him and stand still as life moves on!
I sometimes have to try to be creative in expressing my feelings. But it hard to move past a failed relationship when it NEVER was a relationship. But as I stand still and he moves in his circles… maybe he will pass me on one of his loops and things will be different… not just for me, but also for him. We make each other better!
Thomas Johnston 