Posts Tagged With: surviving

A Prince Without a Kingdom!

As a child, I loved “Mr Roger’s Neighborhood”.  My favorite part was when he visited the “land of make-believe”.  At this very young age of watching and enjoying “Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood”, I was being sexually molested by a young man in our neighborhood and to cope – I created my own “Land of Make Believe”.  We lived on Johnston Chapel Road in a community named Johnston Chapel that was accessed by exiting at Johnston’s Station exit from the interstate.  So being a “Johnston” was key to my fantasy world and in my mind “The Johnston’s” were royalty.  My land of make-believe was based partially on reality, but much was IMAGINARY.  Initially it may have been a way to cope with the trauma in my life, but soon it became home, comfortable and real to me.  In my world…. I was royalty – I was a Prince!

Pioneer televangelist Oral Roberts’ openly gay, gay rights activist, grandson Randy Roberts Potts was interviewed in the February issue of Details magazine (link at bottom of article).  I saw so many parallels with one major exception… he was royalty on the Oral Roberts University campus or “compound” as it was called by some and it wasn’t just in his mind!  He has been able to parlay his experience into not only an inspiring story, but also a “cause”.  He is traveling the U.S. with “The Gay Agenda”, simple performance art based on the realities of typical day-to-day lives of many gay men.

Randy Roberts Potts inspires me….. but what can I do with this inspiration?  I have survived childhood sexual molestation, I live daily with Multiple Sclerosis, I write with intent to advocate for the poor / disenfranchised / marginalized in our society; but that is as far as it seems to go.  I have tried to summon support to get heard by elected officials (only to be ignored).  So what am I NOT doing to convert ALL this inspiration into action?  How do I get feet under my words?  I am inspired to do……????  What next, what do I do?  Write more about it in this blog that has not earned me 1 dime?

So this brings me to the heart of my frustration – lack of money!  Money may not be able to buy happiness… but it sure can help accomplish a lot of other good things.  I see Cadillac Escalades at churches and think…. couldn’t they have settled for a Chevy Tahoe and done more good for fellow man with the difference in money?  I do not know how to inspire without funds to do something!!  lol  I do not even have a car, but even if I have access to a car – I don’t have gas money!! lol  No wonder the rich just keep getting richer…. the poor have no money to advocate for themselves!  I get inspired, I get frustrated not being able to but that inspiration into action, I get depressed and look for inspiration and then the cycle starts all over again!

I know the problem is me!  I have been “inspired” to learn Spanish for almost 5 years now and still have a very limited knowledge of Spanish!  lol  In a post late December, I highlighted a young man, Johnny Robinson, that reached out to help another young gay man struggling.  He was inspired, took action and reached out.  His inspiring youtube video has been viewed more than 400,000 times by people all over the world.  But sadly, he reported on his facebook page recently that a young man in his own school committed suicide due to issues with being gay and bullied.  How can we (the willing to help) do more to help others?  I was proud watching Johnny’s video when he says, “I used to feel helpless.” “But then…” (he grins) “I stood up for myself”  I see confidence and sincerity.  He even goes on to offer his e-mail.  

What more can we do?  How can we help these young men and women find that even if they cannot stand up for themselves – there are some of us willing to stand WITH them?  Randy Roberts Potts is like me… a Prince without a kingdom and here is Johnny Robinson (homecoming) KING of his kingdom.  Yet there are some that will not ask us to help in spite of our offers.  The displaced gay royalty wants ALL of you to know …. you are STRONG and when you feel helpless…. there is help.  If not us – The Trevor Project (http://www.thetrevorproject.org/ or 866-488-7386).  So, how do I find MY kingdom, get past my excuses and start my own “Gay Agenda”? I start by asking for your help, asking you to let me help us all find our inner strength!

http://www.details.com/culture-trends/critical-eye/201202/preacher-oral-roberts-grandson-randy-roberts-potts-the-gay-agenda

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Sleeping Is All I Do Good (Or Is It Well?)

Experience "faking" a smile is often confused with "having" a nice smile!

I am trapped in a life of feeling like a victim fighting to defend myself.  Depression is my way of existing. The one thing I do good is sleeping!  I even question my grammar skills to ask, is it only sleeping I do well or good?  I was molested as a child (1) and that may have set my path for life to fight to not be a defenseless victim again. I cannot break this feeling of constant defensiveness that borders on aggression (ok, ok, I am a mean, angry bloke that fights too much!! lol).  I want to write and explain how I feel and I find myself the victim of a poor education or weak mind that even infects this expression. Or should I say can not instead of cannot?

I have great friends and see them struggling with the pressures of life as well.  I know I am not alone in this experience of struggle, but, in general, they do not feel victimized by life.  To me I feel EVERYTHING is a struggle.  I have to FIGHT an insurance company to do what they are supposed to do for me.  I have to FIGHT my demons of a victimized childhood.  I try to bring attention to my cause with political leaders and have to FIGHT to be heard. I live with Multiple Sclerosis and FIGHT to live the best life I can in-spite of the constant pain and discomfort.  I am gay and have to FIGHT to prevent society from discounting my worth as a human for simply wanting equal treatment.  I have learned to live with this and feel the struggles and fighting to defend myself have made me a stronger man. Sadly now I also find I have to FIGHT to be respected within my own family.

Dad - The Watermelon King!

Recently my father passed away.(2)   It is understandable to be melancholy (or ma lunk o lee as Mega Mind would say).  But even feeling like a constant victim, I felt my father was in my corner.  When I “came out” to my family; my father, a very religious and conservative man, hugged me and held me by the shoulders and explained, “We (he and Mom) do not understand this.  But as long  as we remember we love each other, we will get through this.”  My life has become a series of getting through things.  I’ve lost the man in my corner.

Being disrespected could be my career also Mr Dangerfield!

A recent family situation helped bring focus to the fact my family has little or no respect for me.  Why not, who the hell am I to be respected?  Respect is earned.  My father respected me even if I had not earned it and again I feel I fight life alone.  I may not have earned respect, but I sure have not earned disrespect!  The disrespect is spreading to the next generation of my family and with no one in my corner in the family anymore, I choose to isolate myself from my family because the acceptance of the disrespect makes even sleeping, the one thing I am good at doing, more of a struggle.

Writing my little blog is even becoming a struggle.  I voice my opinions about the selfish attitudes of politicians and this “Tea Party”  movement (teabaggers as I affectionately call them) and I get people justifying why their opinion is more valid than mine or trying persuade my opinion.  I used to enjoy respectable debate, but have even grown tired of feeling I need to justify why I feel as I do.  I guess the teabaggers feel they are victims themselves for having to pay taxes for programs that do not benefit them directly – so they have the attitude do away with them.  But since I feel I identify more with the people that these programs are intended to help – I only see them as bullies.  When they have solutions other than just cut, cut, cut – then I may see them differently.

I still feel like this kid inside!

Sleep and depression go hand in hand.  Fatigue is my most common symptom of my MS.  Struggle wears a soul down.  I still feel my Dad’s hands on my shoulders and hear him saying, “We do not understand this.  But as long  as we remember we love each other, we will get through this.”  I am just struggling to remember the “feeling” of being loved, respected and protected.  I am tired of all the struggle and resign to do the one the I am good at – sleep.


Maybe you can show me some respect? lol

1  https://thomasajohnston.com/2010/05/25/innocence-taken/
2 https://thomasajohnston.com/2011/03/24/no-one-wants-to-write-their-fathers-obituary/

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