I am trapped in a life of feeling like a victim fighting to defend myself. Depression is my way of existing. The one thing I do good is sleeping! I even question my grammar skills to ask, is it only sleeping I do well or good? I was molested as a child (1) and that may have set my path for life to fight to not be a defenseless victim again. I cannot break this feeling of constant defensiveness that borders on aggression (ok, ok, I am a mean, angry bloke that fights too much!! lol). I want to write and explain how I feel and I find myself the victim of a poor education or weak mind that even infects this expression. Or should I say can not instead of cannot?
I have great friends and see them struggling with the pressures of life as well. I know I am not alone in this experience of struggle, but, in general, they do not feel victimized by life. To me I feel EVERYTHING is a struggle. I have to FIGHT an insurance company to do what they are supposed to do for me. I have to FIGHT my demons of a victimized childhood. I try to bring attention to my cause with political leaders and have to FIGHT to be heard. I live with Multiple Sclerosis and FIGHT to live the best life I can in-spite of the constant pain and discomfort. I am gay and have to FIGHT to prevent society from discounting my worth as a human for simply wanting equal treatment. I have learned to live with this and feel the struggles and fighting to defend myself have made me a stronger man. Sadly now I also find I have to FIGHT to be respected within my own family.
Recently my father passed away.(2) It is understandable to be melancholy (or ma lunk o lee as Mega Mind would say). But even feeling like a constant victim, I felt my father was in my corner. When I “came out” to my family; my father, a very religious and conservative man, hugged me and held me by the shoulders and explained, “We (he and Mom) do not understand this. But as long as we remember we love each other, we will get through this.” My life has become a series of getting through things. I’ve lost the man in my corner.
A recent family situation helped bring focus to the fact my family has little or no respect for me. Why not, who the hell am I to be respected? Respect is earned. My father respected me even if I had not earned it and again I feel I fight life alone. I may not have earned respect, but I sure have not earned disrespect! The disrespect is spreading to the next generation of my family and with no one in my corner in the family anymore, I choose to isolate myself from my family because the acceptance of the disrespect makes even sleeping, the one thing I am good at doing, more of a struggle.
Writing my little blog is even becoming a struggle. I voice my opinions about the selfish attitudes of politicians and this “Tea Party” movement (teabaggers as I affectionately call them) and I get people justifying why their opinion is more valid than mine or trying persuade my opinion. I used to enjoy respectable debate, but have even grown tired of feeling I need to justify why I feel as I do. I guess the teabaggers feel they are victims themselves for having to pay taxes for programs that do not benefit them directly – so they have the attitude do away with them. But since I feel I identify more with the people that these programs are intended to help – I only see them as bullies. When they have solutions other than just cut, cut, cut – then I may see them differently.
Sleep and depression go hand in hand. Fatigue is my most common symptom of my MS. Struggle wears a soul down. I still feel my Dad’s hands on my shoulders and hear him saying, “We do not understand this. But as long as we remember we love each other, we will get through this.” I am just struggling to remember the “feeling” of being loved, respected and protected. I am tired of all the struggle and resign to do the one the I am good at – sleep.