Sleeping Is All I Do Good (Or Is It Well?)

Experience "faking" a smile is often confused with "having" a nice smile!

I am trapped in a life of feeling like a victim fighting to defend myself.  Depression is my way of existing. The one thing I do good is sleeping!  I even question my grammar skills to ask, is it only sleeping I do well or good?  I was molested as a child (1) and that may have set my path for life to fight to not be a defenseless victim again. I cannot break this feeling of constant defensiveness that borders on aggression (ok, ok, I am a mean, angry bloke that fights too much!! lol).  I want to write and explain how I feel and I find myself the victim of a poor education or weak mind that even infects this expression. Or should I say can not instead of cannot?

I have great friends and see them struggling with the pressures of life as well.  I know I am not alone in this experience of struggle, but, in general, they do not feel victimized by life.  To me I feel EVERYTHING is a struggle.  I have to FIGHT an insurance company to do what they are supposed to do for me.  I have to FIGHT my demons of a victimized childhood.  I try to bring attention to my cause with political leaders and have to FIGHT to be heard. I live with Multiple Sclerosis and FIGHT to live the best life I can in-spite of the constant pain and discomfort.  I am gay and have to FIGHT to prevent society from discounting my worth as a human for simply wanting equal treatment.  I have learned to live with this and feel the struggles and fighting to defend myself have made me a stronger man. Sadly now I also find I have to FIGHT to be respected within my own family.

Dad - The Watermelon King!

Recently my father passed away.(2)   It is understandable to be melancholy (or ma lunk o lee as Mega Mind would say).  But even feeling like a constant victim, I felt my father was in my corner.  When I “came out” to my family; my father, a very religious and conservative man, hugged me and held me by the shoulders and explained, “We (he and Mom) do not understand this.  But as long  as we remember we love each other, we will get through this.”  My life has become a series of getting through things.  I’ve lost the man in my corner.

Being disrespected could be my career also Mr Dangerfield!

A recent family situation helped bring focus to the fact my family has little or no respect for me.  Why not, who the hell am I to be respected?  Respect is earned.  My father respected me even if I had not earned it and again I feel I fight life alone.  I may not have earned respect, but I sure have not earned disrespect!  The disrespect is spreading to the next generation of my family and with no one in my corner in the family anymore, I choose to isolate myself from my family because the acceptance of the disrespect makes even sleeping, the one thing I am good at doing, more of a struggle.

Writing my little blog is even becoming a struggle.  I voice my opinions about the selfish attitudes of politicians and this “Tea Party”  movement (teabaggers as I affectionately call them) and I get people justifying why their opinion is more valid than mine or trying persuade my opinion.  I used to enjoy respectable debate, but have even grown tired of feeling I need to justify why I feel as I do.  I guess the teabaggers feel they are victims themselves for having to pay taxes for programs that do not benefit them directly – so they have the attitude do away with them.  But since I feel I identify more with the people that these programs are intended to help – I only see them as bullies.  When they have solutions other than just cut, cut, cut – then I may see them differently.

I still feel like this kid inside!

Sleep and depression go hand in hand.  Fatigue is my most common symptom of my MS.  Struggle wears a soul down.  I still feel my Dad’s hands on my shoulders and hear him saying, “We do not understand this.  But as long  as we remember we love each other, we will get through this.”  I am just struggling to remember the “feeling” of being loved, respected and protected.  I am tired of all the struggle and resign to do the one the I am good at – sleep.


Maybe you can show me some respect? lol

1  https://thomasajohnston.com/2010/05/25/innocence-taken/
2 https://thomasajohnston.com/2011/03/24/no-one-wants-to-write-their-fathers-obituary/

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2 thoughts on “Sleeping Is All I Do Good (Or Is It Well?)

  1. Brenda

    Are you able to do any type or form of exercise even while sitting or lying down perhaps? One of the depression researchers I heard on one of the NPR programs mentioned exercise helping depression.

    When I find out that people are not what they should be I take comfort in the fact I know to spend less time (or no time) with the ones of whom that is true and that since there is a limited amount of time I have more time to spend with good people. I am sorry you have found out some people are less caring types than you would have hoped but I hope you will take comfort in KNOWING that freeing up your time for good people.

    I do hope that you will keep up your excellent blog writing and that things will get better for you.

  2. First time at your blog. Sorry you have a rotten road ahead of you. My father had MS for about 16 years before he passed on and my sister has had it for about 40 years. An aside here, anger can be a real part of the MS. There are reasons for feeling anger (frustration over your changing life with the illness) also there can be physical reasons caused by the MS having to do with the progession of the disease involving lesions and so on.

    I don’t know if you’ve tried antidepressants but from the reading I’ve done they can help with the anger and the fatigue. Depends. My father didn’t have anger issues ever, my sister, well that is a mackeral of a different color. She’s been getting worse and worse with injustified excessive over the top anger. I’m no longer in contact with her, her pronouncement, not mine.

    I hope through blogging you can express your frustration and turn it out onto the web and surrounding universe. Good luck, I blog and find it a grand way to vent, praise or toss buffalo doodoo when it’s called for.

    Hope you are doing well enough and the research moves quickly along so all sufferers can look forward with hope and relief from the agony of the suffering ms brings. Mac

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